Thursday, May 03, 2007

Note: Lol i wanted to put this on my personal blog budden since jr wants something weird for a change shall post here :D:D:D:D

It is almost amusing how sad I was for being unable to find it, and how happy I became when I found it, and how sad I became when I realized I shouldn’t be happy finding it at all. Searching for something with the hope that it would make me happier, perhaps I shouldn’t have put so much effort into finding it at all. Then I will at least be able to keep that bit of hope, however small, for all eternity. Then again, if I knew the outcome right from the start, I would never have started looking for it in the first place. Or would I look for it anyway? It’s hard to say.

Whatever it is, our lives drifted apart so much even the last tiny droplet of hope has evaporated away. I was hoping before that our lives would have more than one intersection in the space-time coordinates, with the separation only being temporary, and I could see you once again, like a downwards-concaving quadratic curve coming down after the maximum point for a second x- intercept, or better yet, be the asymptote of your life-graph. Of course, don’t worry, for I no longer hold such lavish hopes, as I understood how my life is to your life as an exponential graph is to the x-axis. I cherish that brief instant, that perfect point of intersect when I could see you every day, but also understand how my life would veer wildly away upwards, never ever to return down. Or perhaps the more likely case would be my life being a negative exponential curve, going down and never coming back up.

Apparently I was naïve in believing our names meant we could be together. Now I understand the true meaning behind my name. There is a Chinese proverb saying to hear a hundred times is not as good as watching once. I guess I would only be able to hear, not even see, much less share, your happiness. Nevertheless I know you have found much meaning in your life, most probably your love too, and once again I must say I feel happy for you.

Is there a being of great power? I’m being more and more convinced that there is. Though whether it is a being of infinite power, or even a being of greater power, I do not know. I think it’s trying to play a game with me, taking one at a time the things I want. What is it that this being wants? Does it want to destroy my ego? If so it must be doing a very bad job, for the size of my ego is inversely proportional to my achievements. (Trust me, I used to be much humbler when I had much better studying results) Maybe it is trying to make me sad. It isn’t doing a good job of that either; since I think I am actually deriving pleasure out of what is supposed to be “sadness”. Regardless of whatever this being is trying to achieve, I can feel its presence, and when I do my ominous expectations suddenly turn out to be true. Perhaps it/he/she is betting with me that I can’t be happy without achievements, and I am supposed to prove it/him/her wrong.

Or perhaps I am all wrong, and this being, knowing the full potential of my intellect, is merely trying to help me by removing all possible distractions such that I can reach the highest peak of my achievement. I guess I must now try to forget everything and put my body, mind, heart and soul into my only remaining true love- physics. It has accompanied me for 6 years, and has been always faithful to me (when maths and the like has abandoned and betrayed me during CT time and again, making me fail the test). Ah, I guess I should spend more time finding out her secrets and be a better friend :D